The last few weeks have been, in simple terms, shit. It’s probably been the hardest period mentally since my epic downfall at university. This time has been no less graceful and in some ways worse. Honestly, I’m not sure what went wrong or why; all I know is it did. Trying to cope with it has been nothing short of Hell. That’s why the blog, my diet, the different tasks for #24weeks has all gone to pot. So I guess in the spirit of fighting on and frankly not knowing what the Hell else I can do to help myself. I guess I am getting back on the straight and narrow. So my task for week 1 – get my head in a good place.
I struggle to comprehend in my own mind what it feels like to be me. Describing it is difficult but I am going to do my best here so that perhaps someone else might understand.
About three weeks ago I had a pretty cataclysmic turn with my mood. I ended up bawling my eyes out and took a good 2 hours to get home. My mind perpetually feels hopeless. I feel like I’m in the driving seat but am not in control of the wheel. It feels like I am being dragged wherever my mind wishes and I’m powerless to do anything about it. I literally feel that the world is out to get me and life is just one big joke, and I’m the butt of that joke. I think it was years of pent up frustration that all came flooding out and I think it set me on a dangerous path.
I become very emotionally attached to situations and more often that not I feel like I make them worse when all I want to do is make them better. I feel like I’ve been losing a few of these battles recently and the only way I can describe it is like trying to hold water in your hands. No matter how damn tight you lock your fingers together it always finds a way to escape you. I’m genuinely at a loss as to what to do about it.
I’ve been angry again. Angry at the situations I’m in. I was told at university that I scared people when I got into this mood. I’ve smashed up rooms, broken stuff and ultimately caused myself damage. The night I broke down I was so angry and I ended up punching brick walls. Just like the bad ol’ days. My hand ended up bruised and sore. It is in effect a form of self harm. My anger though presents itself in an overwhelming manner. I just want to explode, scream at the top of my lungs and fuck shit up; yet for some reason I can’t. I am literally powerless to act on my emotions.
Honestly I feel like I could stand in a crowded room, scream at the top of my lungs and no one would notice me. Worse yet I feel like no one would care if they did notice me. I often feel like I’ve got no one to talk to; even when I know I do. I try not to talk to people as from experience I leave a conversation feeling worse; like I’ve been condescended throughout and that my problems seem inconsequential. I often feel belittled and pretty much embarrassed and ashamed that I could feel like this. More often than not these days; despite the fact that I have tried talking to numerous friends, I feel more alone than ever before.
My head is noisy. You know those scenes in movies where someone is standing still and yet the rest of the world time lapses around them at break neck speed? That is what my head feels like 24/7. I can’t remember the last time my mind switched off to even dream… …and that’s when I can get to sleep. Meanwhile it sounds like someone is screaming full volume in my head at times of great stress; which recently has been uncomfortably frequent. There are times when I just want to switch my brain off and revel in the silence.
Sometimes the only thing that helps is pain. It makes me feel human and alive. I know long term self harm achieves nothing, I look at my arm and see the scars from February that still haven’t faded; and probably won’t for many months. Self harm has always been a distraction, it takes away the pain I feel in every other facet of my life and condenses it into something tangible that ultimately I am in control of. I can cause as much or as little as I want and even the depression can’t take that away from me. Honestly, I think it’s that element of control that drives so many people like myself to self harm. We can for the briefest of moments feel human and alive.
When I think about it, my life feels a bit like Phil out of Groundhog Day. I’m repeating the same things over and over again. The feelings that I have now are all to familiar and I feel like I’m back in my room at university. Those were days I never wanted to relive and I feel like history is starting to repeat itself. I can’t seem to derail the train before it falls off the broken bridge. I know how much that impact hurts too.
Keeping up appearances and trying to always be busy and there for people’s events is frankly exhausting. It’s a catch 22. I want to be out and busy to stop my mind from going crazy. At the same time though I just want to be left alone. I then feel guilt and regret and the total ungrateful nature of this ideology towards my friends and family. I honestly feel like I am being pushed pillar to post and then pulled left and right and all over the place with my emotions. One day I can be fine and having the time of my life. The next I feel like crap. Seems like alcohol isn’t even playing much of a role in that. I’m not sure if that is worse or not. Ultimately though I’m tired. I’m tired of the constant bullshit in my head, I’m tired of trying to salvage what seems like a train crash of my life and not getting very far. I’m tired of the constant conflicting emotions and the affects it has on my life. Worst of all I’m tired of not knowing what it is I need to do to make it better.