I guess I can safely say that my attempts to post weekly have completely fallen by the wayside. It’s not been a complete loss though. I’ve simply been so busy that I’ve not had a chance to actually work on it. Looking back, it’s been over a month since I posted last and when I think about it, the time has really flown. It seems time is getting quicker and this got me thinking about where I am headed with my life.
There have been a few moments where I’ve had a real chance to reflect on where I am right now. I have to say I feel like I am in a better place than I’ve been in a long time and it feels… …simply good to be there. I mean I’ve tried new things and for the first time I’ve been putting myself well out of my comfort zone. I’ve found out that I am actually pretty good at being there and strangely I’m enjoying it.
I guess the first of these moments came a few weeks back when I realized how far I’ve come in a very short space of time. As my other posts will attest to; I was not in a good way. I have realized that like before I have pushed through this and come out the other side swinging. It has told me that for whatever reason I have a fighting spirit that is going to see off all the crap that has been thrown at me. It in essence, gave me a new lease on the way I control my thoughts and actions. Don’t get me wrong; I’ve still had some dark times. Those closest to me will know this and I can see it in their eyes. They want to help; they know something is wrong, but I don’t know how to let them in and I honestly can’t apologize enough for the way I can act at times.
The second moment came when I thought how I cope with situations. Invariably I always end up apologizing for the way I am and I hope that anyone I may have slighted or upset forgives me. However, I’ve come to the conclusion that this doesn’t help anyone. Least of all me. They know I’m sorry, they know I don’t mean it and most know I can’t help it and am trying to get my shit together; so ultimately what does apologizing do here? Zilch is the answer. I also figured that those that really are friends won’t expect me to apologize and I have decided that I shouldn’t have to. What I need to do is just get better and work at being me. Then I have no reason to apologize full stop. Unless I’m a jerk – it’s been known from time to time. I swear I’m a nice guy most of the time!
The third moment came when I went to the Science Museum recently with a work friend. I’m not really one for these kind of things, but the exhibition was all about Robots and my inner geek was pretty excited. I popped along and it is honestly hands down one of the most interesting exhibitions I’ve been to. It in essence details the history and development of robotics through religion, media and science over the last 500 years. It got me thinking about the future and how we all develop over time. What started out as a clunky anamatronic clock has become a fully fledged robot capable of reading emotions and performing complex tasks. It showed me in a strange sense that everything and anything can improve and become something far more sophisticated. So why can’t I?
The forth came only over the weekend when I was at a bonfire and BBQ with some mates. We had a fire going, I had a beer in hand, I could hear some classic tunes playing in background and hear friends both old and new chattering among it all. I turned my head to the sky and I could see stars. More than I had seen over London for a long time. I felt completely relaxed and the thought that ran through my head was that this is what my life is all about. I am here with my friends, in this place doing what I am doing and I didn’t need anything else in that moment. I realized how truly lucky I am to have what I have. I thought about what I had always wanted; to feel accepted for who I am and to a part of a cool group of people. I realized in that moment; and when I really considered it ever other moment I’d spent with friends; that I already had what I was looking for. I just couldn’t see it.
It’s a real eye opener when you have moments like that and I got discussing time with some friends over the weekend. we were saying that as we get older each year becomes a smaller percentage of our life. Everything in essence seems shorter or quicker. Things are not as wondrous or as amazing as when we were kids and so we feel like life is passing by much much quicker. This thought made me feel like I literally had to grab life by the balls and go for the ride. So when I stepped out of the tube station on Saturday and came face to face with the below poster. I knew that I was truly getting where I wanted to be.
All this thinking eventually turned to where I am heading next. A two week jaunt to South America; weekends away in Budapest, York and Liverpool; my imminent move to New Zealand. I am excited for all these, New Zealand most of all. I view it as a chance to redefine myself and really throw myself headfirst into the world. Not that I would normally admit it but even though I am very positive about the move I am genuinely terrified. I am going to be as far away from home that I realistically can be. I have no idea if I am going to fit in or whether I will find a job and truly settle down, or make friends. I am scared about leaving friends and family here that I care deeply about and love very much. I am worried whether some of these relationships might drift as a consequence. I worry that I might lose more than I gain. I honestly I don’t know what to expect. But what I do know is this. It’s happening and it’s happening soon. So it’s time to strap on my boots and hold on tight. I feel like it’s going to be one hell of a ride either way!
Cover Photo: One of the “emotive” robots at the Science Museum exhibition.
For more info on the robots visit: http://www.sciencemuseum.org.uk/sitecore/content/scim/visitmuseum/plan_your_visit/exhibitions/robots